


I Put My Heart in the Ground

by ivyleagueLT



Series: Running From the Streetlights [2]
Category: Generation Kill
Genre: Drug Addiction, Implied Drug Use, M/M, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-03
Updated: 2012-03-03
Packaged: 2017-11-01 00:56:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,378
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/350209
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ivyleagueLT/pseuds/ivyleagueLT
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“I love him, Nate. God help me I love him so goddamn much and I just want to save him so bad. I won’t, I can’t watch him do this anymore.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Put My Heart in the Ground

**Author's Note:**

> This is the sort of prequel to the first part of the Running From the Streetlights series I have started. It's another song fic; this time set to "Dark Paradise" by Lana Del Rey. There might be other parts, depending on if I find more songs that would fit within the series. Enjoy!

**_Every time I close my eyes, it’s like a dark paradise. No one compares to you. I’m scared that you won’t be waiting on the other side._ **

With his head down and his jacket collar turned up against the biting chill of a typical, windy New York City December night, Ray made his way through the melting slush of snow, down a street he had hoped to never see again.  The second he set foot inside the dive bar across town he knew he was making a mistake. With each step farther inside the door, he could feel himself getting pulled down deeper the path that he had just begun to steer clear of.  He knew damn well what he was about to do would backfire, miserably. He was not only fucking up the months of sobriety he was experiencing, but he was likely about to crush the heart of the one person who managed to save him.

Ray sat at the bar, nursing a room temperature beer. He closed his eyes and breathed in deep the scent of stale cigarettes and cheap liquor. Walt’s faced flashed across the back of his eyelids and it was nearly enough for Ray to run for the door. But he couldn’t, he was weak and he knew it. He was unfortunately about to prove to Walt just how weak he was.

**&**

**_All my friends ask me why I stay strong. Tell ‘em when you find true love, it lives on. That’s why I stay here._ **

“Walt,” Nate answered the shrill ring of his cell phone at nearly one in the morning. “I can imagine this isn’t a social call.” Nate tried to joke but even he knew that the humor fell flat before the words even left his mouth.

“He wouldn’t, by some miracle, happen to be there would he?” Walt’s voice sounded small and defeated as he sat at the kitchen table in the dark, trying his hardest not to scream in anger.

“I’m sorry Walt. Did you want Brad to go out maybe and see if he is at any of his usual spots? I can come over and wait with you until they get back.”

“Thanks, Nate but no, I can’t keep asking you guys to do that. This is something that Ray needs to figure out if he wants more than us and for me to have to deal with what he chooses.” Walt put his head down on the table as he listened to the pause on the other end of the phone.

“Walt, you really can’t keep doing this to yourself. If Ray can’t figure out what he has, and can’t give this shit up for it, what’s the point of you staying and being miserable?”

“I love him, Nate. God help me I love his so goddamn much and I just want to save him so bad. I won’t, I can’t watch him do this anymore.” Walt was fighting back the tears as he spoke, praying with everything in him that Ray would just walk through the door.

“Call me if you need absolutely anything, Walt. I mean it. Brad and I are here, you know that.”

“Thanks, Nate. I would be lost without you both.”  Walt let his phone drop out of his hand and onto the floor. He folded his arms across the table and let his head fall onto his forearms, sheer exhaustion and worry using up the last dregs of his energy.

**&**

**_And there’s no remedy for memory, your face is like a melody. It won’t leave my head. Your soul is haunting me and telling me everything is fine. But I wish I was dead._ **

His watch read 4:30 in the morning. Ray had been standing outside of the door to his and Walt’s apartment for eleven minutes. He couldn’t force himself to go inside; he knew what he would find. Walt would be there, patient as ever, sleeping either on the couch or at the table, wherever he happened to drop off at. Just waiting for Ray to come home so he could usher him into the shower and then promptly put him to bed before beginning the whole process of building Ray up again from square one tomorrow.

The entire time he was using Ray thought of Walt. Every time he had ever used since he met Walt, he had thought of Walt. Ray has no idea how Walt can continue to put up with all this shit that he brings on them constantly, if he’s not fucking up and falling off then it’s his snappy attitude and cold shoulder phases where he completely shuts Walt out. And every time Ray comes crawling back, begging for forgiveness Walt just kisses him, tells him he loves him and that everything is going to be fine.

Fuck that, it’s not fine. Ray knows it and so does Walt. But Ray’s afraid that this will be the time Walt says it out loud.

**&**

**_Every time I close my eyes, it’s like a dark paradise. No one compares to you. But there’s no you, except in my dreams tonight._ **

Normally Walt wouldn’t have woken until he heard the sound of Ray coming through the door. This time however his anger would only allow him a moment’s rest. So when Ray did come through the door he was wide awake, anger boiling just beneath the surface.

But of course, like every time, Ray looked so hurt and so finished with life that Walt melted nearly instantly. He stood from the chair and had every intention of closing the space between the two of them and just hauling Ray into him and shielding him from the world until he was certain that Ray was better and would never leave their bed again. Instead, standing up made him remember himself and remember his anger and the countless nights he had been in the same position, waiting for Ray to come home, and he just lost it.

“I don’t even think I want to hear where you were this time. It’s likely you won’t tell me the truth anyway.” Walt was trying his damndest to reign in his anger, afraid of saying something that would send Ray right back out of the door, even through the haze of his rage he couldn’t bear the thought of Ray leaving again.

“Then why even bring it up if you don’t want to hear what I have to say? Why are you even waiting up if you don’t think I would tell you the truth?” Ray stared down at the floor as he spoke, razor sharp words with just a hint of hurt and anger wrapped around the edges.

“You’re right, why am I up? Why did I even say anything? Why am I even still here with someone who is so determined to fuck up his own life and to bring me down with him?!” Walt couldn’t hold back anymore, the only thing keeping him from getting up into Ray’s face, was the grip he had on the chair he was once sitting in.

“Then leave.” Ray regretted the words as soon as they left his lips. He winced, hearing them come from his own mouth and watched as they floated through the air to Walt’s disbelieving ears.

“I-,” there was nothing Walt could say to that. It was the first time that Ray had ever said anything like that. Even high, Ray had never told Walt to leave; he had never been so cold.

Walt hesitated for a moment longer, hoping that Ray would look up, apologize for what he said and admit what he had done wrong. When what felt like hours had passed and Ray still stared down at the hardwood floor, Walt gathered his remaining strength and headed toward their bedroom. He grabbed what he could before the reality of the situation set in; he couldn’t let Ray see him break down. When he exited their room and headed for the door he saw that Ray still had yet to move from the spot he was in. Walt breezed past him, grabbing his jacket on the way out; the sound of the door slamming behind him would be Ray’s only company tonight.


End file.
